


You'll Get There

by Into_Evernight



Category: AFI
Genre: Angst, M/M, PWP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 22:44:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3226253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Into_Evernight/pseuds/Into_Evernight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Nils has sex with Davey, he doesn't expect fireworks. But when he comes to find that he just doesn't like having sex with Davey and doesn't have the heart to tell him, the distance it reaps makes him doubt their relationship and starts to tear them apart. [Nilvey]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1: First Times Always Suck

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on AFIslash 10/05/2013 through 11/23/2013 
> 
> Story Notes: This story was meant to be a oneshot, but it spiraled OUT OF CONTROL and turned into 20,000 words. I cannot write a oneshot, I swear. But this archive needed more Nilvey so here ya go, heehee.
> 
> Also, I apologize in advance if some of the scenes are uncomfortable. They made me a little uncomfortable writing them. But I hope you will enjoy anyway.
> 
> Author's Chapter Notes: This story is dedicated to Mandasapanda for being my Nilvey buddy and giving me the encouragement to post, and Ciara for being my other Nilvey buddy and giving my idea a thumbs-up. :)
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Nils had barely been able to stand waiting all night. It was the eve of Decemberunderground’s release, and he was subjected to watching behind the scenes at the release party, standing beside Marissa as their boyfriends mingled and chatted about the album and played snippets for their eager audience to hear. And as happy as he was for Davey, his mind wasn’t on the evening – his mind was on his tight pants and how much he wanted Davey to touch him, which was made even worse by Davey’s all white ensemble, his shirt nearly see-through and his nipples showing through the thin fabric, his ass accentuated by the denim that looked as though it were painted on his body. As much of a sex fiend as people thought he was, they still hadn’t had sex yet – and Nils was going to go out of his mind if he didn’t get to jump Davey’s bones soon. Two months of dating or not, they had known each other too long for _other_ things to get in the way – and Nils couldn’t wait anymore. He had been squirming all night, eliciting strange looks and whispers of _‘are you okay?’_ from Marissa, who didn’t seem to realize what kind of stress he was under.

Needless to say, he spent the evening shooting longing gazes in Davey’s direction while sipping from a red Solo cup, hoping and praying to the gods that Davey would pick up on it and would let them leave early. At least go back to the bus, the car, _anything_. He didn’t care as long as he got Davey’s mouth around his dick or his dick in Davey’s ass.

It was by some grace of the gods that Davey did notice at all. On his tenth sweep of his bedroom eyes in the man’s direction, he _finally_ looked over at him, Sharpie tucked between two long, slender, lacy-gloved fingers. And right now, Nils was imagining those beautiful fingers in his mouth. Their eyes locked, amused dark brown with desperate blue, and Nils thought he would explode. Much to his chagrin, Davey chose to look away, to continue his conversation with some short man in a suit coat and a mustache, and Nils felt like melting into the floor.

These exchanges continued all evening – Nils fucking him with his eyes and Davey just looking at him like he was chiding him, like he was some naughty _child_ and it made Nils so crazy he just wanted to leave and desperately jack off in a bathroom stall. That wasn’t nearly as bad as when Davey _finally_ stopped being condescending, and when he started to exchange the glances, eyebrow arched and mouth quirking in some cheeky smirk, eyes dark and deep and glittering and looking like he wanted to eat him alive. By the end of the evening, Nils could hear himself panting, breaths ragged and heart pounding in his ears, and Marissa seemed more than happy to dart away from him and right to Jade’s side. At least Jade wasn’t some type of pervert in public.

“I can’t stand it when you look at me like that,” Nils breathed as Davey caught up to him, ridiculous hot pink hoodie zipped up and the hood pulled over his head. He grasped Davey’s arm, and Davey only shifted to link them together as they headed towards the door. “You’re driving me crazy.”

Davey chuckled, reaching up to brush his fringe from his face and tuck it into his hood. “What do you mean? You were the one who was eye-fucking me all night.”

“Only because you’re so hot tonight,” Nils replied, pressing closer against his side. Davey must’ve heard him panting like a dog in heat because he laughed out loud. “What’s so funny?” Now he sounded irritated, and he had to admit – he was quickly losing his patience.

“You,” Davey replied, shaking his head. “You want it so badly.”

“Do you blame me? Imagine if I were out there parading my ass for the world to see – wouldn’t you want to tap it too?” Nils huffed. “God, Davey, can we _please_ do it tonight? I can’t stand it anymore.”

“Patience, my love,” Davey replied, eyes fixed ahead of them to the parking lot, already fishing for his keys. “When we get back to my place, we’ll see where it goes.” He leaned over to kiss Nils on the cheek, his hand coming to rest on the small of his back and burn through his clothes, and Nils thought he would surely die. Instead of arguing, however, he just smiled weakly and let Davey lead him to the car.

The entire car ride was torture. Davey’s hand was far too high up his leg and rested close to his crotch, his fingertips gracing the inside of his thigh and making him pant all the more. Nils wished he’d move it, wished it was socially acceptable to just grab his hand and press it between his legs, but he couldn’t do anything but sit there and stare out the window and pray that this would be over soon. It felt like forever had passed before they finally reached Davey’s LA condo, and by then Nils was ready to beg for mercy. Thankfully, however, he didn’t have to do any such thing because as soon as they were inside, Davey came up behind him and started kissing the backs of his shoulders, his hands sliding warmly over Nils’ sides and hips, rubbing small, slow circles into the fabric and the bit of skin that peeked out.

“Mmm, I must confess,” Davey said between soft, passionate kisses that felt like they’d melt Nils’ skin, “I’ve been so turned on by you.”

“Then what took you so long?” Nils asked between heavy breaths, his heart nearly beating out of his chest at the sensation and the way Davey’s fingertips grazed the heated skin right above the hem of his jeans. “I wanted you so, so bad.”

“I’ve been busy,” Davey insisted, breath playing against Nils’ neck and the tip of his ear, sending an electric shiver through his body. “But now you have my full attention.” He pressed a kiss to the side of Nils’ face, right by his ear. Now that he was so close, Nils could smell the faint scent of peppermint from the mints he’d been chewing earlier, could hear him breathing quickly and raggedly.

He could say nothing, could only gulp as he felt Davey’s hand brush lightly over his shoulder and then over his chest, his palm brushing against his nipple through his T-shirt. Nils leaned his head back against Davey’s shoulder, arching his back and whimpering. “Oh, God,” he gasped, reaching up to touch Davey’s hand. “Please take me to bed.”

“My pleasure,” Davey replied in his ear, and then he leaned over to kiss Nils, meshing their mouths together and holding it until Nils was weak-kneed and dizzy and out of breath. With that, he slid his hand down to Nils’ hand and then pulled away from his back, leading him to the bedroom.

Stumbling over his feet, Nils followed him down the tiled hallway, bumping into the walls and knocking framed pictures askew as well as a vase as he bashed his hip against a small table. As they walked, they struggled with their clothing. Nils tugged hard at his own pants, trying to rip them off and nearly tripping over them as he did so; luckily, Davey caught him and kept him from falling flat on his face. And then Davey pulled off his gloves and his shirt, dropping them to the floor one by one. Next came the suspenders, which he dropped from his shoulders and let hang from his pants, his fingers nimbly finding the button of his jeans. Nils’ eyes were fixated on those fingers, watching with a watering mouth as they worked the button and the zipper, revealing a neatly clipped line of pubic hair and the base of his thick cock.

By the time they made it to the bedroom, Nils was completely naked and Davey finished shedding his jeans. It was Davey who shoved Nils on his back on the bed, climbing over him and scattering hot, needy kisses all over his collarbone and neck and chest, suckling at the skin every so often. Nils squirmed and gasped and whimpered beneath him, scratching at his shoulders and arms and back – anywhere he could reach. He couldn’t keep his hips still even as Davey’s mouth worked all over his upper body, rubbing himself against Davey’s leg and inner thigh and cock, where ever he could grind against. It had him whispering Davey’s name over and over as they traded kisses and touches, Davey’s dark eyes boring holes into Nils’ until he thought he’d just drown in them.

“Can I fuck you?” Davey asked in between kisses on Nils’ lips, the smacking noises sounding sloppy and loud in the small space of a bedroom.

“Yes, duh – why do you think we’re naked on your bed?” Nils panted, wrapping his arms around Davey’s neck.

“Naturally,” Davey replied with a furrow of his brow and a half-smile, shaking his head. “What I mean is—” He cupped Nils’ calves and pushed them back, draping them over his shoulders before he pressed his cock against Nils’ ass. “Can I _fuck_ you?”

Understanding flashed like surprise across Nils’ face. “Oh—” Honestly, he’d hadn’t bottomed before – sometimes he did finger himself, but for the most part he left his ass alone and he’d only topped with his previous partners, a majority of whom had been girls. Still, this was Davey and he trusted him, and if it was what he wanted he wouldn’t object to trying it. “Yeah, sure, just…” He licked his lips. “Please be gentle and slow. I haven’t done it a lot.” He gave him a tiny, apprehensive smile.

Davey returned his smile, leaning in to rest his forehead on top of Nils’. “Of course I’ll be gentle with you, my dear, but if you’d prefer to do this another way—”

“No, it’s okay, promise.” Nils nuzzled him and gave his lips a little kiss. “I trust you.”

“All right, but please let me know if you’re uncomfortable or want to stop, okay?” Davey kissed the corner of his mouth, and then opened the top drawer of his nightstand for condoms and lube.

Even though Nils was nervous, heart thundering in his ears, he wanted this and he wanted Davey. He watched him, chewing on his lower lip and lust mixed with anxiety in his eyes, as Davey squeezed some lube in his hand and started to coat his fingers – those same beautiful fingers Nils had been admiring earlier. Davey gave him a warm smile, one that formed crinkles around his eyes, and Nils’ heart melted. Scooting up on the bed, he spread his legs to give Davey access, though it still felt very personal for someone to touch him there like that. He took a deep breath and flinched a little as he felt the lube against his asshole but he let him work his finger in, though the penetration felt weird and less than pleasant.

While Davey prepared him, he did his best to distract him, pressing kisses against his hip bones and his cock, every so often swiping his tongue over his balls or his shaft. He had Nils a panting mess in that respect, and Davey kept his word in that he was gentle and slow and thorough with his fingering. Absentmindedly, Nils wondered why Davey wasn’t inserting a second finger because he was all right so far, if not feeling a little bit awkward. It was only when he realized that Davey was waiting on him that he said, “You can add another.”

It was on the second finger that Nils started to feel uncomfortable. It shouldn’t have because this was _Davey_ and he loved Davey – at least he figured they’d known each other long enough to be in love – but he wasn’t so sure he liked it. It _was_ kind of embarrassing considering – he didn’t really like to think about it or what might be getting on Davey’s fingers right now. That thought was killing it, and if it wasn’t for Davey’s continual kissing on his cock, how he occasionally took the head in his mouth, Nils might not have been able to keep his erection. He kept telling himself it was okay, though, that he should try it because it didn’t really _hurt_.

That was, until he told Davey to put the third finger in. It didn’t tear his ass apart or anything, but it didn’t exactly feel _good_ either. Up until now, Nils had really only used two fingers on himself. Then again, Davey wasn’t exactly _small_ and just thinking about his cock was making him feel dizzy. Nils felt his heart beating faster but for a different reason now, and he just squeezed his eyes shut and told himself to relax, breathing deeply through his nose to try to calm down.

Davey kept stretching him, mouthing at him and rubbing against his inside walls as he tried to find his prostate. Although he was being nice about it and working to pleasure him, Nils just felt weird. He only realized as Davey cleared his throat that he’d been lying there, breathing shallowly and clutching the bed sheets as he tried to muster the courage to continue, that he’d been at it for way too long and was probably getting impatient. Opening his eyes, he glanced down at Davey, and he must’ve looked freaked out or something because Davey stopped and stared at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah…” Nils said weakly, smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

Frowning, Davey asked, “Are you sure? You seem upset.”

“I’m fine, promise,” Nils insisted, not wanting to throw the towel in. This would be so _simple_ to solve – almost too simple – but he was determined to at least try it before he said he didn’t like it.

“Well…?” Davey gave him a tentative smile, tilting his head a bit to the side.

Nils felt his stomach sink. “Well…” He licked his lips. “I guess I’m okay to continue.”

“Are you absolutely _sure_? You don’t sound like you are…” Davey trailed off. “Honestly, if you don’t want to do this—”

“No!” Nils insisted, clutching the blankets. “I’m fine. You can go ahead.” He lay on his back, trying to get comfortable against the pillows and ignoring how breathless he felt. His stomach was twisting and now he just wanted to tell Davey to forget it, to tell him they could just suck each other off or use their hands or _something_ because looking down at Davey’s hands on his cock, pulling the condom on, he was reminded of what he was facing. And it was big.

Davey’s eyes kept flicking to Nils as he made sure to coat his cock with plenty of lube. Although Nils appreciated the gesture, it didn’t do anything for the nervous fluttering in his stomach or the way his heart pounded as Davey put one hand on each side of him, the mattress springs creaking as he shifted his weight. Now, Nils could feel Davey’s breath on his face in short puffs, could see the desire in his eyes as he looked down at him with nothing but want and tenderness. And he just couldn’t tell him no.

“Are you ready?” Davey asked him, his voice low, breathless. And though Nils could see Davey shaking, knew it was taking a lot of strength to hold back, he knew he would stop instantly if he just told him to.

Instead, however, he found himself saying: “Yeah.” Davey hesitated for a moment, studying his face and his eyes, but Nils just gave him a wan smile to assure him. “I’m fine,” he insisted, just because he didn’t want to seem weak. Because he didn’t want to hurt Davey’s feelings or make this any more awkward than it was.

“Okay,” Davey said, giving his cheek a little kiss. “But remember, if you need me to stop, just say so.”

“Got it,” Nils said, shifting and spreading his legs, his entire body trembling.

Slowly, Davey lifted his legs and put them on his shoulders, moving up against him. Nils just lay still and looked up at the ceiling, holding his breath as he waited. He felt Davey pressing against him and it felt strange, but as soon as Davey started to guide his cock inside his body, Nils jolted, a little gasp catching in his throat as he automatically recoiled. Davey stopped and looked down at him, concern flitting over his brow.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Nils panted, draping an arm over his eyes to keep from making eye contact. He swallowed hard and turned his head to the side. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m just…it’s new. I’m okay, so you can just…” He trailed off, biting his lip.

“You sure?”

“Yes!” Nils all but snapped. “You don’t have to ask me, just do it, please.” As soon as he’d finished speaking, a wave of guilt passed through his gut. “Sorry,” he quickly tacked on. “I’m just a little nervous, that’s all.”

“It’s okay, but I promise you…I’m going to take care of you and you’re going to be just fine,” Davey replied softly, and it was all he said before he started to push in again. “Don’t hesitate to tell me what you’re feeling or if you need me to pull out, okay?”

It took all of Nils’ strength to nod and not to say anything. He clenched his teeth together and balled his hands into fists, digging his nails into his sweaty palms. Davey had taken care to prepare him, but it was very uncomfortable – and it kind of hurt. He didn’t understand; in conversations he’d had with their mutual friends, they’d all affirmed that it didn’t hurt…it was just a little uncomfortable. He buried his face in his arm, now no longer into it or the idea of getting fucked by Davey but he just didn’t want to tell him to stop. Not when he heard Davey moan and start panting, not when he felt Davey collapse on top of him and double him over so he could cuddle him and kiss his shoulder.

“You okay?” Davey asked as he started moving slowly, still trying to be careful with him. Nils appreciated it, but it didn’t help or make this any easier. He kept telling himself he just needed to relax, that it was because he was so tense and freaked out, and that was why it hurt. But he couldn’t make himself relax no matter how much Davey kissed him or touched him, doing his best to make it pleasurable for him too.

Nils just nodded in response, his teeth tightly locked together; if he opened his mouth, he was sure he would make some sort of sound that would signify that he wasn’t all right. Despite that, he told himself it was okay, that he would start to feel good soon, that it was just a ‘first time’ thing. Their friends said it felt good, so it had to start feeling good at some point.

He just lay there, face buried in his arm as Davey thrust into him, grunts and pants and moans leaving him. And though Davey was gentle, careful and slow, it didn’t make it any easier. Nils breathed shallowly through an open mouth to cope with the discomfort, legs wrapped tightly around Davey and thighs so tense he could feel his muscles spasming and cramping up. His lower back was starting to hurt from the strain of being doubled over, and he felt hot and sweaty. The worst part was feeling all that lube between his legs and how messy it felt on his ass, like he needed to clean up. It was all making his face feel too hot and he wanted to sink into the mattress and disappear – but he let Davey fuck him until he heard him starting to pant his name in higher pitches, his hips moving faster and out of rhythm, and he knew he was close.

When Davey reached between them to palm Nils’ cock, his tongue wandering over the lower half of his face and his neck, Nils wanted to tell him not to touch him. He knew what Davey would find – that his erection had gone away and he doubted it’d come back any time soon. Davey must’ve been too close, though, because he did pause when he felt the state of Nils’ cock, but he still pumped him, playing with the head and doing things that would’ve otherwise made Nils come in under thirty seconds.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ ,” Davey panted, voice a whispered scream, and he rocked into Nils a little harder. That was when Nils knew he’d orgasmed, and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, giving a prayer of thanks to the gods that it was finally over. The next few seconds of Davey finishing up were terribly long, and he felt like crying when Davey finally stopped moving, coming to rest on him and kissing him all over his collarbone and chest.

Several minutes’ worth of heavy breathing passed, and their sweaty skin started to adhere together uncomfortably. Nils was now praying again, wanting nothing more than for Davey to move because his entire body was cramping up and Davey’s dick felt too big in his ass, too uncomfortable, too awkward. He was about to nudge him and ask him to move but Davey did it on his own accord, sliding out of Nils’ body and discarding the condom.

“Nils…” The voice was soft by his ear, a hint of apology, but he didn’t move. “Are you all right?”

Although Nils’ eyes were stinging and he was shaking badly, feeling like he might throw up, he nodded. He felt Davey touch his arm lightly, and he couldn’t help but flinch away from him. Instantly, he felt bad because Davey hadn’t done anything wrong – he’d asked and Nils had told him it was okay, had even gone so far as to snap at him that it was fine and tell him to go through with it. Slowly, Davey withdrew his hand and he heard the mattress springs creak as he sat up.

Now Davey’s voice was just above a whisper. “If you don’t want me to touch you…”

“No, no…” Nils forced himself to sit up, dropping his arms and giving Davey a smile. But Davey didn’t return it, only looked at him worriedly, guilt in his eyes. “I’m okay, I was just really nervous. I’m fine, I swear.”

“You didn’t seem to like it,” Davey said, sucking his lower lip into his mouth. “Tell me what I did wrong…” He held his hands out, a helpless gesture. When Nils answered him with silence, he tacked on, “Did I hurt you? You have to tell me… I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” Nils insisted, though his ass was quite sore. He shifted, trying to get more comfortable. “I’m okay – like I said, I was just nervous. I told you I haven’t done it much, so it’s no surprise I didn’t come.” He shrugged it off, trying to make it seem like no big deal.

Chewing his lip, eyes darting about before they rested on Nils again, Davey asked, “And you’re sure?”

“Yep,” Nils insisted. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to…you know, blow you or something?” Davey drummed his fingers on his knees, his eyes dropping to Nils’ lap.

“Yeah, no thanks, I’m not really in the mood.” Nils gave him a smile, and then leaned over and kissed Davey on the cheek. “Don’t worry about it, babe.”

“If you say so…” Davey still seemed unconvinced, but at least he didn’t push it any more. However, the furrow on his brow and the helpless, worried look in his eyes made Nils’ stomach flip.

Getting up, feeling the lube brushing against the insides of his legs, Nils asked, “Mind if I shower?” Davey shook his head, eyes turning up to look at him. “Cool, well, I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay?” He didn’t wait for a reply before he hurried to get in the bathroom, where he closed the door and locked it. Only then did he feel like he could breathe again, and that was when the tears sprang back to his eyes.

Angrily, he brushed them away and hunched over to start the water. He wasn’t going to cry. He was stronger than that.


	2. 2: Should I Use My Heart or My Head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: You'll have to forgive me. I'm so, soooo exhausted from last week that I couldn't bear to read it out loud and try to work out any kinks (pardon the pun). It is edited, but I can't look at it anymore. So I'm releasing it into the wild and going about my business to prepare for a long, long trip tomorrow. :)
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

That night, Nils somehow managed to come out of the bathroom and put a brave face on for Davey, to crawl into bed beside him and try to settle down. But he couldn’t stop thinking about what they’d done. He tossed and turned, unable to sleep, and he was sure it kept Davey up as well, though he didn’t say anything at the time. The next morning, however, Nils made sure he got up first and hurried to get dressed, his focus on going home and drowning his misery in a glass of vodka. He didn’t even kiss Davey goodbye, making some bullshit excuse about needing to give one of his friends a ride to the dentist before he made a beeline for the door.

The next several days he tried to put himself back together. Putting himself back together involved a lot of shit-faced nights, chain smoking and drinking himself dizzy and lying in bed through hazy, late mornings. For the most part, he kept his phone turned off but whenever he checked his messages, he saw multiple texts from Davey as well as a couple of missed calls. He ignored them all until four days later, where he got a pleading voicemail from Davey which sounded way too miserable and pathetic for him to ignore, the man begging him to call him, saying that he was sorry if he’d upset Nils, just to please talk to him. Knowing it wasn’t fair to just run away or drown himself in an alcoholic induced stupor, he finally manned up and called him back, asking him to come over.

Honestly, Nils had no idea how he was going to tell Davey he never wanted to do that again – especially if he thought about how Davey had enjoyed it while it was happening and how sexual he was. There was no way Davey would ever accept a partner who said he didn’t want to fuck like that and he was sure Davey would break up with him a few days afterward if he did tell him – after all, Davey wasn’t the type of dick to break up with him on the spot and he was sure he’d want to spare his feelings. But he would’ve broken up with himself too – after all, sex was a major part of a healthy relationship and he couldn’t just deny his boyfriend that.

Even before Davey had come over, he’d already convinced himself their relationship was doomed if he didn’t put on a happy face and grin and bear it…after all, it was only a few minutes of discomfort, and Davey would come, and he would be happy. Couldn’t he put up with that? He could see no other solution, and he felt so stupid and wracked in nerves that he ended up a sniveling mess at his kitchen table, pouring himself a glass of hard liquor to numb his feelings and give him the courage to go through any conversation about _that night_.

By the time the buzzer went off, Nils was on his second glass – and he was already tipsy. Downing the rest of the glass, he put the bottle away and then snagged a pack of mints, quickly chewing up a couple before following them with a stick of gum. It wouldn’t really mask it, if he was honest, but it made him feel better. Sighing shakily and guts roiling like he was about to be sick, he went to the door and opened it, finding Davey on his doorstep looking like a kicked puppy.

“Hi,” Davey said, shifting from one foot to the other.

“Hey,” Nils said coolly, leaning in the doorway.

For a moment, Davey stood still, looking as uncomfortable as Nils felt. And then: “Um, can I come in or…?”

Realizing he’d been blocking the doorway, Nils took a reluctant step back. “Yeah, sure.” He was silent as Davey came in, and then shut the door behind him.

“How are you?” Davey asked, turning to face him. But Nils wasn’t in the mood.

“Fine,” he grumbled, chewing a little faster and snapping his gum. He turned his back on Davey and headed for the living room, so Davey just followed him. “You?”

There was a pause, and when Davey spoke again, his voice was strained, a higher pitch than normal. “Not so great since you shut me out. Can you tell me what’s on your mind? I mean, I’m not fucking stupid… I know you didn’t exactly have fun Friday night, but can you maybe talk to me about it instead of running away? We’re in a fucking relationship, Nils. If you don’t like something, you need to say so.”

At this, Nils couldn’t help but laugh – and much too loudly too. “God, that’s hilarious, Davey.” He sat down on the couch, moving the throw pillows and crossing his legs. “No, I didn’t have fun but it was my first time on my back for a man, what do you think?”

“Maybe you could’ve told me that,” Davey said, looking a little wounded, a little insulted, as he sat down in a chair. He pulled the pillow into his lap, playing with the fringe and holding onto it.

“You didn’t fucking ask,” Nils shot back, rolling his eyes so hard it hurt. “But it doesn’t matter. It was one time, I’m sure it’ll be _fine_ next time.”

“What has gotten into you?” Davey asked, his brow furrowing and something sharp passing through his eyes. “I came here to talk it out and hopefully smooth things over. Okay, it was your first time – everyone’s first time is awkward and painful. I’m sorry, I really am. I feel bad about it, but what can I do if you won’t talk to me?” He sighed. “I care about you, Nils. And I love you, I really do.”

Nils said nothing, only clutched a pillow and chewed rapidly, his jaw clenching and his eyes directed out the window. In all honesty, he felt like a loser and the reason their encounter had sucked – and then it hit him that Davey probably thought he sucked too, and he felt all the sicker. “Look, I know that – first times suck. And ours sucked. I’m sorry I fucked it up for us but I promise it won’t happen again, okay?”

“Nils…” Davey’s tone softened and he tilted his head a bit, his gaze morphing to something gentle. “It’s not about that. I don’t care if it sucked or not. What I care about is you and how you felt about it. Honestly, I was afraid you might start crying when it was over – you looked like you were going to.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Nils said, lifting his chin and still staring out the window, picking at the fringe on another pillow. “I didn’t cry; I was just embarrassed. But I’m fine – I swear.”

“Okay, but that’s beside the point …” Davey sighed. “You looked distressed and I thought I had hurt you. You didn’t seem to enjoy anything about it, and I got the sense you felt…I don’t know. Violated.” Davey scuffed the toe of his shoe into the carpeting, his eyes dropping along with his voice. “And if you did feel that way, I am so sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like that…”

Sighing heavily through his nose, Nils tossed the pillow aside and then crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s okay, Davey. Like we said, first times are awkward and…” Here, he swallowed, blinking hard. “And I’m fine. So let’s just forget about it – we have plenty of time to try again, okay?”

“Are you sure? Because that’s not the vibe I’m getting.” Davey sat forward, his hands clasped. “You still seem upset with me and you didn’t talk to me for days—”

“I’ve been sick, okay? I’ve been sick and I haven’t felt like talking. God, can’t you just believe me when I say it’s fine?”

“But—”

“No, I’m tired of talking about this. It was awkward and I hate talking about it because it embarrasses me. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen and we’ll try again later. Okay?” Nils shot him a sharp look, determined, and Davey could only gape uselessly at him.

Playing with his lip ring, Davey considered this for a moment. At one point, he opened his mouth like he might try to argue, but then he shut it and Nils’ shoulders relaxed. “Okay. But _promise_ me you’ll talk to me and tell me what I can do to make our next time better.”

The very mention of a _next time_ made Nils’ stomach ache. He just wanted to tell Davey that _no_ , he didn’t want to try again, but he couldn’t do that. _First times are always awkward_ , he reminded himself, and that was the mantra he clung to as he agreed, “Yeah, I will. Promise – but later.”

And Davey just smiled weakly at him, his brown eyes studying Nils in anxiety and concern, but Nils couldn’t say anything more. Instead, he fumbled with a stray pack of cigarettes, picking one to place between his lips and lighting it. They didn’t say anything more, just sat across from each other as the silence and the smoke separated them.

\--

Over time, Nils began to relax around Davey again. And Davey kept his distance for a while, never pushing him too far into an uncomfortable zone, instead keeping it to fluttering touches and pecks of kisses and those all-encompassing bear hugs of his that made Nils feel safe in his arms again. It helped that AFI was busy touring, and seeing how Nils had agreed to tag along and help them out, he appreciated that the early mornings and late nights kept Davey too tired for any ‘fun.’ As it was, Nils felt content to tag along with them and stay back stage with the other guys’ girlfriends, drinking and eating vegan pizza and listening to the guys rehearse. He was also more than okay with late night walks to Denny’s and convenience stores, and sleeping in Davey’s arms in hotel rooms or his bunk. They didn’t have time to think about it, and Nils was starting to settle into his new role helping the techs and Fritch or serving as a ‘tour wife,’ as Smith jokingly referred to him as. Of course, nothing good could last forever, and his time as Davey’s nearly platonic cuddle buddy was going to come to an end eventually.

That night came when the eight of them were returning from a late night dinner at a vegan friendly diner somewhere in Virginia. It was a relatively pleasant night even if it was a little hot and stuffy, and Nils was looking forward to showering the day’s sweat off and crashing in bed next to Davey. The sensation of Davey’s hand ghosting his lower back interrupted his thoughts, however, and he tossed him a smile, shifting closer to his side and resting his head on his shoulder.

“I can’t wait to get back to the room,” Davey murmured to him, resting his head on top of Nils’. “We’ll get some actual air conditioning.”

“Knowing you, you’ll turn it down to sixty,” Nils said with a laugh. “And I don’t have any body fat so I’ll freeze to death.”

Wrapping his other arm around him, Davey laughed as well and cuddled him close. “Doubt it. I’ll keep you far too warm, dear.” He gave him a squeeze, pulling him even closer, and that was when Nils felt something hard brush against his hip. The moment he turned his questioning eyes in Davey’s direction, Davey smiled sheepishly. “Sorry,” he whispered in Nils’ ear. “Touring is starting to get to me, if you know what I mean.”

Nils just smiled weakly and reached up to pat Davey’s face. “It’s okay…” Inside, he felt his stomach clench slightly.

“I’ve been so tired I haven’t even been able to jack off,” Davey continued in a whisper in his ear as they walked up the sidewalk to the hotel front. “It’s honestly been a little miserable.” He smiled, and his eyes were fixated on Nils so intensely that he felt like he couldn’t have been any more obvious about it. Reaching up to tuck a stray strand of hair away from Nils’ face, he whispered to him, “We have the room all to ourselves tonight… Do you think that maybe you and I could…” He trailed off, nose brushing against the shell of Nils’ ear. “Only if you want to, my love. If you’re not up to it, that’s okay.”

The sensation of Davey’s feather light kiss right behind his ear was too much for Nils to say no to. Inside, his stomach churned at the thought of lying on his back for Davey again, but he wasn’t really in the mood so he couldn’t exactly ask to switch roles. But that was another problem – if Davey saw he wasn’t into it, wouldn’t he insist they not do it and wouldn’t he start to get suspicious?

There was no time to hesitate – it would only hurt Davey’s feelings if he put it off or wasn’t ‘honest’ with him. Fumbling for a response, he said, “Yeah, sure, I’d love to.” The words tasted bitter and clumsy but he just didn’t have the heart to say no, and he loved Davey. He loved him so much it broke his heart to think of disappointing him and, besides, people who loved each other sacrificed for each other. It really wasn’t hurting anything to lie there and look pretty for Davey while he got off.

Whether Davey realized he was lying or not was moot – Nils gave him the most dazzling smile he could muster and leaned in to smother any questions from his lips with a kiss, working his mouth warmly and fervently. It was enough to make Davey believe, it seemed, because he felt him smiling into the kiss and no more questions were asked.

During the elevator ride back to the room, Davey just held Nils close, lightly rubbing his back and breathing softly in his ear. It was endearing how Davey held him, how he touched him so carefully and looked at him like he was the only person in the world. Each time he touched his face and traced his features, adoration in his smile, Nils was convinced that this was the right thing to do, that telling a little white lie was okay. He kept telling himself that even as they got to their room and Davey started kissing his shoulder and neck and jaw line, his breathing growing deeper, his fingertips moving over every inch of Nils’ body in delicate patterns and eliciting goose bumps and shivers. He had to admit it was a turn-on the way Davey was kissing him and touching him, and soon he was worked up enough to feel more than lukewarm about trying again. As he shyly took Davey’s hand and led him to the bed, he gave him a genuine smile, then helped him remove their clothes.

This time was less fumbled and desperate, and Davey took his time kissing Nils’ body, running his hands over it and exploring it. This time, Davey also started by sucking him off, taking him all the way in his mouth until the tip hit the back of his throat, skilled lips and hands bringing Nils so much pleasure that he was half-gasping, half-crying out Davey’s name with each bob of his head. He couldn’t help but lift his head to watch Davey’s lips, to look at the way they wrapped wetly around the shaft and the head, leaving trails of saliva behind and suctioning him so tightly he thought he might burst. Before he could come, however, Davey pulled off and then smiled at him, asking him, “Is it okay to try again?”

Nils’ head was telling him _no_ , but his dick was telling him _yes_. So what if it’d hurt last time? It was just the first time, and Davey had just made sucked him off better than anyone ever had. Not to mention he wanted to orgasm so _badly_ he thought he might lose his mind if Davey didn’t keep touching him, so he nodded furiously. “Yes, please, I just want you now, baby,” he breathed raggedly, running his hands up over his own heaving chest.

“Okay, just let me know if you get uncomfortable,” Davey told him, once more reaching for the lube.

It was all Nils could do to keep from touching himself below the waist as Davey coated his fingers yet again. Just like last time, he started with one finger and moved it around slowly, trying to adjust Nils to the feeling. And at first, it was okay because all Nils could think about was the burning in the pit of his stomach and how he’d do anything to alleviate it. The second finger was okay, too – a little intrusive, but he could deal with it. When Davey pushed the third finger inside, however, Nils’ whole body tensed, his muscles involuntarily clenching. And Nils got that sinking feeling that he just didn’t like having things up his ass when those things were attached to another person.

“Still okay?” Davey asked him as he stretched him out, his breath playing on the wet head of Nils’ cock.

Although still erect, Nils was less enthused about the moment as Davey played with his ass, feeling like he was pushing in too deep. He kept twitching and digging his feet into the mattress to keep from scooting away from the touch, but he still nodded. “I’m fine,” he breathed.

He must’ve been better at lying by now because Davey gave him a smile and said, “Good. I’m glad.” He gave Nils’ hip bone a kiss. “See? It’s going to get better – it was just a first time thing.” He mouthed at Nils’ inner thigh and nipped at the tendon there, and Nils breathed out shakily as he felt Davey’s nails scrape inside him. Definitely not his favorite feeling.

“Yeah,” he said with a weak laugh. “I’m sure it will.” He licked his lips, now staring at the ceiling again.

For several minutes, he frowned up at the ceiling, letting Davey fuck him with his fingers. He redirected his thoughts to the swirls and patterns there, to the shadows the light created, and would’ve remained like that had Davey not interrupted him. “Are you okay to go?”

Chewing his lower lip, Nils looked down at Davey. He stared into his eyes, seeing the care in them, but he just didn’t have the heart to tell him he didn’t want to be fucked in the ass when he looked down and saw how _hard_ Davey was and thought about how he’d spent a great deal of time working with him, pleasuring him and trying to make it as easy on him as possible. Not to mention Davey’s erection looked _painful_.

“Okay,” he agreed with a soft smile, already feeling exhausted. “How do you want me?”

“Well, how do you want to do it?” Davey asked, brushing a hand over his thigh. “I’ll do anything you want.”

Nils chewed his lower lip as he thought. Maybe if they tried a different position, it would be easier on him – maybe even pleasant. Maybe all he needed was some control. “Can I ride you?” he asked, and then he couldn’t help but smile at Davey’s response, how his eyes lit up and sparked with interest, darkening in desire.

“I’d love that.” Davey leaned in, noses brushing as he gave him a deep kiss. Then, he reclined against the pillows and watched Nils, eyes inviting him.

Carefully, Nils moved to straddle him, their cocks brushing as he did so. Davey’s chest was heaving slightly, and Nils had to admit he looked quite radiant in the light, a thin sheen of sweat making his tattoos that much more vibrant and alive. Telling himself he loved Davey and that this wouldn’t hurt because he was in control, he positioned himself over Davey’s cock. He started to lower himself but Davey caught him at the hip, his other hand moving to reposition his cock so Nils wouldn’t sit on it. Giving Nils a smile to assure him despite his near blunder, he helped him, guiding him so he could push in with no incident.

The moment Nils felt the head start to push inside, he couldn’t help but tense his muscles, resisting. It took a few words of encouragement and kisses from Davey to get in, and even then it was far too tight for Nils’ comfort. He gritted his teeth and put his hands on Davey’s chest, letting him support him at the hips as he eased off his cock. It was stretching him so much it left a tight sort of sharpness at his asshole; he just wanted to jump off and call it quits. But one glance down at Davey and the way his eyes automatically fell shut, his face flushing and his breaths growing audible, and Nils knew he couldn’t do that to him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he slowly began to move up and down Davey’s cock, trying not to whimper each time the whole thing sheathed inside him.

After that, Nils tried to dissociate from the situation. It was uncomfortable and it was still awkward – he realized he just didn’t like it at all. But he couldn’t stop now, instead continuing to give Davey mediocre sex. And he knew it was mediocre because he wasn’t exactly riding him hard; it was weak thrusting at best. It was a lot of effort and it didn’t feel good, not even as Davey tried to make up for it by working his cock with his hand, letting him thrust into it and giving him what would otherwise be a damn good handjob. It wasn’t enough to keep his erection, though, but even when Davey asked him if he wanted to continue, he just smiled sweetly and said he’d finish later, that he just wanted to make Davey feel good. At this point, it was beyond embarrassing and frustrating and Davey’s orgasm was the only thing keeping him going. Thankfully, he made up for it by kissing Davey silly and assuring him through touches and faked moans that he wanted this.

When Davey finally came, Nils breathed out and felt all his muscles relax. Within several seconds of Davey’s orgasm, he slid off his body and helped him remove the condom, too exhausted and sore to bother with a shower no matter how dirty he felt. As he lay down, Davey curled up next to him and kissed him behind the ear, running a hand over his arm, which he involuntarily shied away from.

“Thank you,” Davey said to him, a hint of guilt to his tone. “I’m sorry you didn’t come, though… Is there anything I can do next time?”

“No, you were fine,” Nils assured him, too tired to argue about it or give him critique. “I’ll get it, sooner or later. Don’t worry.” He turned around to give Davey a kiss though the touch of their lips made his stomach hurt. Ignoring it, he turned his back to Davey and let him spoon him, reaching over to switch off the lamp.


	3. 3: I'm a Liar and You Already Knew It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: Somehow I feel like this isn't my best chapter, but what can you do? LOL
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Over the next several weeks, Davey stuck to Nils’ side, more openly affectionate than usual. Nils didn’t mind that part of it, and Davey did give him a couple of good blowjobs back stage – the kind that were intense enough to curl his toes and make him lose his voice – but what Nils _did_ mind was what was expected in return. He felt like a complete asshole whenever Davey got finished sucking him off and then looked at him nearly pleadingly, the tent in his pants obvious and bulging and begging for attention. And he felt obligated to return the gesture, so he forced himself to choke it down though it made his eyes water and he thought he’d gag, forced himself to swallow when he just wanted to spit it out. It was no better than lying on his back or getting on his hands and knees – although it was done with care and love, he couldn’t get over it.

It got to the point where Nils decided it wasn’t even worth it. Whenever Davey started kissing him and feeling him through his pants, he cooled it. He’d hug him and give him small kisses in return, but would whisper to him, _‘not now’_ or _‘I’m not in the mood’_ or even _‘I just don’t want to.’_ Each time, Davey pulled back and told him it was okay, and Nils felt guilty all over again. Davey never complained to him about it, but Nils knew it was hard for him – especially as weeks turned into a month and he still hadn’t given him anything. Eventually, he was going to have to face it because he could tell Davey was getting impatient. And the worst part was that Davey came off stage almost every night with a boner.

One night, they were alone on the bus, the others having gone out to clean up or to start signing album covers and arms, posters and other memorabilia. Like usual, Davey had taken the time to change his clothes and grab a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator, going to sit on the couch beside Nils and rest for a bit. Unconsciously, Nils shifted away from him, trying to focus on his book even though he could feel Davey’s presence far too strongly. It was sending tingles and pins and needles through his body – the creepy-crawly feeling of being watched. He stole a glance up over his book to see that Davey was, indeed, watching him as he sipped his water, dark circles and smudged make-up under his eyes and hair messed up, wavy and sweat-ridden.

“What are you reading?” Davey asked, toying with the bottle cap.

“A biography,” Nils replied shortly, dully, holding up the cover of the book where Davey could see it. “It’s very interesting.” _Sure_ , he scoffed to himself, _he made it sound absolutely_ fascinating.

Davey took another long sip of water, then screwed the cap back on. “Cool.” There was a slight pause, and then he shifted closer. “I didn’t see you on stage tonight.”

Nils shrugged, turning the page. “I was tired,” he hinted. At this point, he found himself holding his breath, wishing Davey would leave.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired too.” Davey set the bottle on the glass coffee table, staring off into space for a moment. Stifling a yawn, he moved to rest his head on Nils’ shoulder, and Nils automatically stiffened, his heart beating much too fast at the thought that Davey might want something from him. It was the first time he realized he was afraid of it – that he might even be afraid of Davey touching him at all. “I can’t wait to get to the hotel and have an actual bed to sleep in; I’m so sore from last night.” He flicked his gaze over to the bunks, where they’d unfortunately spent the night before curled up in an uncomfortable position of two grown men crammed into a bunk that wasn’t even big enough for one, limbs sprawled and tangled in each other and bones pushed out of joint.

Swallowing hard, Nils nodded. “Yeah, that’d be nice.” _As long as you don’t ask me for sex,_ Nils thought to himself.

There was a moment of silence, and briefly, Nils thought maybe Davey had gone to sleep on his shoulder, feeling his breaths evenly against his neck. He started to relax, to focus back on his book, but that was when he felt Davey shift, felt him press closer to his side and drape his arms loosely around his waist in a hug. He must’ve felt Nils tense because he looked up at him, chin resting on his shoulder. “Am I bothering you?”

_Yes_ , Nils wanted to say, but he knew that would be rude so he just turned to Davey and gave him a shaky smile. “I’m just tired,” he insisted, “but I’m okay.”

Humming under his breath and looking at Nils closely, Davey started to withdraw his arms, and Nils felt a spark of guilt in the pit of his stomach. But he didn’t exactly feel like cuddling right now, and even the thought of it left a bad taste in his mouth. He scooted down as far as he could on the couch, and Davey got the hint – he picked up his water bottle and stood, leaving without another word. Nils winced as soon as he heard the front door of the bus slap shut. But the relief Nils felt said more than anything else did – he didn’t like what that said about them.

The next few weeks were no better. Each time Davey even came up for a kiss or a hug, surprising him from behind or nuzzling into his shoulder, Nils unconsciously jerked away. It was creating a lot of tension between them, but every time Davey touched him, Nils couldn’t help but think of what it might mean – that Davey might want to stick his dick up his ass and it was just a way of opening the topic for discussion. Unfortunately, avoiding it was also opening a topic up for discussion, and he would be stupid to think Davey would let it go.

That moment finally came on an afternoon where they arrived at a venue early, the traffic having had mercy on them for once. All day, Davey had been extra cuddly, and Nils just wasn’t in the mood for it. So when he saw him approaching as he offloaded cables and speakers from the back of their van, he felt that familiar heavy feeling of dread settling in his stomach. Keeping his eyes on the task at hand, he pretended like he hadn’t noticed him coming, hoping maybe he’d go away and praying that he wouldn’t try to touch him or ask for ‘stress relief.’

“Hey, Nils?” Davey piped up, and Nils couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

“Yes?” he said, stiffening. He kept his head down as he untangled a few cables, hoping Davey would get the hint.

No such luck. “Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk to you.”

Nils couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him, frown knitting his brows together. “I’m really busy right now.”

“I know, but this is important,” Davey insisted. “Sorry, I know you’re busy – we all are – but I can’t put it off any longer, okay?”

These words made Nils’ stomach flip-flop. Finally, he turned to look over his shoulder, anxiously searching Davey’s face – he didn’t _look_ happy. “Uh…okay.” Sheepish, he dropped the cables to the top of a speaker and hopped out from the back of the van. Instead of saying anything, Davey jerked his head towards the venue before he turned around, so Nils followed him inside.

The fluorescent lighting made him blink hard, little purple and green dots obscuring his vision before his eyes started to adjust. When they finally did, he saw Davey was leading him to a dressing room, and Nils felt his heart start to pound at the realization that they were going to be completely _alone_. Swallowing it back, he followed Davey inside and cracked the door – but Davey closed it. The sound of the door clicking into place made Nils flinch, and he took a step back, clenching and unclenching his hands.

For a moment, Davey just watched him, expression somewhat stony and arms crossed over his chest. Nils realized he was probably in trouble, but he stood his ground, rooted to the spot and unmoving. It was Davey who finally spoke up.

“I hate to bring this up when we’re so busy, but honestly, I feel like you don’t want to be around me lately. And I really want to know what’s going on,” he said, speaking in a low tone.

“Nothing,” Nils insisted, sharp and quick – too quick. “Maybe I’ve just been tired and haven’t wanted to be touched. Is that so wrong?”

Chewing the inside of his cheek and looking to the side, Davey shrugged. “No, that’s not so wrong, but I get the feeling you’re blowing me off and that’s what bothers me.”

“Oh, so if I don’t want to kiss you and cuddle you all the time, you get mad at me?” Nils frowned. “That’s unfair, don’t you think?”

“I never _said_ that,” Davey retorted, mirroring Nils’ stance, shoulders hunching. “You don’t need to put words in my mouth – I never said you had to kiss and cuddle me all the time. Do you really think I’m that needy?”

Snorting, Nils went to sit up on the vanity, brushing some hair from his face. “What do you expect me to think when you’re touching me _constantly_?” He felt a sting of guilt stir in his stomach; honestly, it wasn’t the touching that bothered him. And it made him sad to think there had been a time he’d liked it, that he’d appreciated how Davey was always trying to connect with him in the small ways. Now it just drove him crazy in all the wrong ways, and it was all because he couldn’t open his goddamn mouth.

“You can just say so for fuck’s sake,” Davey snapped back, eyes flashing, and something about the look made Nils recoil against the mirror though he kept his lip jutted out, sullen. “Look—” Here, Davey sighed heavily. “I don’t want to fight with you. If you don’t want me to touch you, that’s okay – but don’t blame me for it because you never had a problem with it before, and you can’t expect me to know these things when it comes out of the blue.” He shook his head. “I just wondered if something was wrong because I feel like you’re pulling away from me, and it’s…” He paused as his voice wavered, stumbling over his words. “It hurts. It hurts to think that you don’t want me around, or that I annoy you and you can’t bring yourself to even look at me. I feel like you don’t like me or that you just want me to go away.” He covered his mouth with his hands, steepling his fingers together for a moment as he collected himself.

Nils dropped his gaze to his jeans, picking at a loose thread along the side seam. He couldn’t bring himself to look Davey in the eye, not when he looked so pained. There were a lot of things Davey had told him before they’d gotten together, about past relationships and friendships, and Nils had known getting into this that Davey had been wounded deeply by people pushing him away. His throat tightened as he thought that he was just hammering another nail into that coffin by treating him like this. And it wasn’t fair. Davey didn’t know what he’d done wrong – not that it was exactly _wrong_ , because it was Nils who had something wrong with him. Sliding down from the vanity, he went over to Davey and gave him a hug, squeezing him tightly against his frame.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice softer now. “Honestly, I think the tour’s just getting to all of us… I’ve never done this before.” He met Davey’s gaze, and Davey nodded to show he understood, hands still closed over his mouth. “I know I’m acting like an asshole but I never meant to hurt you.” He moved his arms a little farther down Davey’s body, but Davey was hardly responsive – and Nils knew why. “Please don’t be upset – it’s nothing personal. I just need a little space, okay?”

“Okay,” Davey whispered into his hands before he dropped them. He took a deep, shuddering breath, eyes falling shut for a moment before he opened them and gave Nils a sad smile. “Just please don’t shut me out completely. I can give you space, but you know I’m clingy and you have to throw a dog some scraps from the table, you know?”

Nils winced. He knew Davey didn’t mean to guilt trip him, but it was working all the same. “I’m not going to shut you out,” he insisted. “We’ll still talk…”

At this, Davey’s expression changed, and Nils could swear he saw his heart breaking before his eyes. “We'll still talk? Really?” Davey said slowly, pulling back and staring at Nils vacantly.

“Davey, I didn’t mean—” Nils began, reaching out for his arm.

“Please don't.” Davey brushed his hand away. “Spare your half-hearted apologies – I think everything else speaks far more strongly for how you really feel.”

“Goddammit, Davey, don’t start this now—” Nils’ tone was caught between desperation and frustration; he just wanted to scream. “Could you stop throwing a pity party? I don’t hate you, okay? I know what you’re thinking and what you’re thinking about, and I’m not like those people.” At this, Davey just stared at him, everything draining from his face and making him look exhausted and gray, the bags under his eyes more apparent. “Yeah, I’m not perfect but I’m tired and things aren’t coming out right so cut me some slack. I didn’t mean _‘we’ll still talk’_ like that’s it. I meant even if I don’t feel like cuddling or being touched I’ll still talk to you and connect on that level because I’m not going to shut you out. It's not that fucking melodramatic. Do you understand?”

“Crystal clear,” Davey said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He crossed his arms again, tightening them over his chest and glancing towards the door. “Anyway, I think we both have things to do so I should let you get back to work.”

“Yeah? Well, now _you’re_ shutting _me_ out,” Nils pointed out, running a hand through his hair. “You’re the one who wanted to have this conversation, and I don’t want this to hang over us.”

Davey’s eyebrows knit together in a deep frown. “I believe sometimes it’s better to let things rest for a while. Trust me, you don’t want to continue this conversation while I’m so emotional.” With that, he opened the door and walked out before Nils got a chance to say anything.

Frustrated, Nils turned to the vanity and, in one quick movement, swept all the items off of it with a clatter to the floor. He stood there for a moment, panting and feeling dizzy, collecting himself as it sank in what he'd done. Shakily, murmuring a curse to himself, he sank into the nearby couch, clasping his hands together before his mouth. He didn't know what was wrong with him or why he couldn't talk to Davey – why he felt so angry when it would've been so easy to work out. And he was equally frustrated with Davey, unable to help the begrudging feeling that he was being selfish.

Somehow, he got the feeling this wasn’t going to end well if he couldn’t cover up any better.


	4. 4: I Promised that I'd Never Walk Away From You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: Sorry it took me a bit. I didn't feel like updating and I haven't had consistent Internet.
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

Days passed and they didn’t say much to each other. At first, Smith cracked a few jokes about them having a ‘marital spat’ since they sat on opposite sides of the table at dinner and ignored each other, but when he started to realize they were both truly hurt, he laid off of it, even tried to talk to Nils and ask him what was wrong. Nils, however, refused to tell him anything and so Smith could only give him a half hug and tell him it would be okay, though Nils wasn’t sure it would be. Truthfully, he felt like his heart was breaking and he could imagine Davey felt much the same way.

It was when he started to see Davey pour it out on stage, throwing himself into his songs with renewed desperation and isolation and heartache that Nils knew he had to do something. That night was particularly bad. Davey had been moody all day, snapping at his band mates and the tech crew, ruder than Nils had ever seen him. Most of the day, Davey had spent his time holed up in his bunk or locked in his dressing room. Alone. And it had left Nils a nervous mess. Though Smith had rolled his eyes and called Davey 'The Diva,' he had tried to make peace with Davey only to be met with silence, and so he and Nils had taken to working together and trying to make the best of it. However, now that the show had reached the crescendo and Smith was too busy keeping an eye on them to distract him, Nils could only stand on the sidelines, his mouth going dry as he watched Davey drop to his knees in front of Jade, screaming into the mic and panting, his body shaking. And then came a moment where Davey’s eyes lifted and swept to the wing where he knew Nils was standing – the fire in his eyes making him just want to bleed through the floor and dissipate into nothingness. He’d never felt so small as he did now, knowing he was the reason Davey felt like this – and he was the reason for his own pain, too.

After the encore had ended and Davey passed him, Nils reached out to grab onto his arm, stopping him before he could go out to the fans. The moment their skin made contact, Nils felt a cold shiver ripple through his body, his stomach twisting. Davey wouldn’t look at him, instead taking a towel from Smith and mopping up the sweat on his face with it. “Davey,” he said in a nearly pleading tone. “I’m sorry.”

Davey lowered the towel and looked at him, mouth set in a thin line and eyes dull. “For what?” His tone was thick, dropping heavily.

“For our fight the other day – don’t act like I’m stupid.” Nils clung to his arm, feeling so desperate for him that he would’ve done anything for him, would’ve sacrificed anything – even his body – if Davey would just stop looking at him like that. “I’m tired of fighting and ignoring each other. I just want us to talk again.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Smith shifting uncomfortably, and he didn’t even care if he heard – if any of them heard. “Please, Dave – I’ll do anything. I hate seeing you like this...”

With a sigh, Davey turned his head towards Nils, momentarily bumping their foreheads together and lowering his voice to a whisper. “Don’t worry about the fight, okay? It’s okay… You have a right to need your space, tensions are just high because we’re tired. I took things the wrong way and I overreacted – I know it.”

“But you’re still upset with me,” Nils protested, his voice now just above a whisper too, sounding hoarse and harried.

“What makes you think that?” Davey asked, lifting an eyebrow.

In response, Nils reached up and brushed Davey’s sweaty hair from his face, not caring how drenched or greasy it felt. “Because we’re not talking,” he replied, his voice sounding too much like a small child’s. “And it’s breaking my heart.”

Davey’s eyes shifted, something almost misty about them. Wordlessly, he leaned in and kissed Nils, his hands finding Nils’ sides right above his hips and giving them a squeeze. He held him for a long moment, just kissing him like he would die if he pulled away, like he needed it more than breathing. And Nils snaked his arms around Davey’s neck, clinging to him and soaking it up like he was starving. When they pulled back with a quiet smacking sound, Nils realized how hard he was shaking.

“It’s going to be okay,” Davey whispered to him, not smiling but not frowning either. And Nils was so relieved he couldn’t help but slump against Davey, letting his arms engulf him and pressing himself against his overheated, sweaty body.

“I still love you,” Nils said, cheek resting against the side of Davey’s head and teeth chattering slightly.

There was only a slight pause as Davey turned his head to kiss Nils’ temple, and then he whispered in his ear, “I know. And I still love you too.”

And then they fell silent, only holding onto each other for a long time. And Nils didn’t mind because he was just happy that they were going to be all right – or at least he hoped so.

\--

After that evening, things started to get a little better. They didn’t talk that night, but they did sleep in each others’ arms, and the next morning Davey awoke Nils with breakfast in bed. They had a long talk while eating, mostly about their fight, and both admitted it had been silly and wrong of them to act the way they had. Although Nils didn’t reveal the root of it, too shy and uncomfortable to tell the truth, he did admit that when he felt threatened he got defensive and tended to snap, and Davey admitted he was bad about playing the victim and laying guilt trips on people. Once they’d brought it out into the open like that and apologized, it was easier to swallow and Nils felt better. By the end of the morning, they were sharing coffee and laughing and joking again, and Nils’ faith in their relationship was renewed.

Despite that, there was still something unspoken hanging over them – some sort of tension that started off small and eventually grew. At first, Nils tried to ignore it, letting Davey touch him and kiss him again, not wanting to deny him or start another fight – but nothing had really been solved, only hastily swept over, so it wasn’t long before Davey’s passionate kisses or the way he’d nip at his neck or the way he’d brush his hand over his ass and call him sexy started to get to him again. He hated the way it made him feel, how he dreaded the moment Davey would ask him for sex, and gradually he started to pull away again. The more he pulled away, though, the more desperate Davey seemed to get, touching him even more and trying to cuddle with him all the time. And Nils loved him, but he didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop for fear of breaking them up, instead choosing to sit there with gritted teeth and suffer in silence.

One night after a show, Nils sat on the bed inside their hotel room drinking a bottled water and absentmindedly flipping through the channels, curled up on their bed. Although his eyes were focused on the TV he felt like he was staring right through it, mind unable to process the blurred, moving pictures before him. He didn’t care – he just needed something to drown out his thoughts, though he was seriously considering going back home instead of being Davey’s little tag-along. As much as he adored the man and adored helping AFI on their tour this go around, coming up with excuse after excuse to avoid sex was exhausting.

The door opened, light spilling over onto the dark green and red speckled Hampton Inn carpet, and Davey stepped out, barefoot and damp and wrapped in only a towel. Even without his glasses, Nils could make out the chisels of his toned muscles and the slight pudge of his stomach, and a smile flickered over his lips. He bit his lower lip, watching as Davey’s towel inched down his hips and he saw the top of his ass – which he also found himself admiring.

“You look cute,” Nils couldn’t help but say despite himself, grinning a bit and grabbing a pillow, hugging it to his chest. After all, he still thought Davey was one of the most attractive people he’d even known; it was a shame their sex life was so goddamn terrible, if he really thought about it.

“What?” Davey turned around, startled, but then he saw Nils’ grin and he smiled too. “Oh…thank you. I have to say you do too…” There was a brief pause, and then Nils saw Davey's brow wrinkle. “Where are your glasses?”

Nils laughed. “I’m winding down for bed; I didn't need them because I’m not really watching TV, just listening to it.” He turned the insulting box off, and then leaned back against the headboard.

“That’s a shame – you’re adorable in your glasses,” Davey said, dropping his towel and draping it over the back of one of the chairs against the window. “Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all,” Nils said, patting the space next to him. He watched as Davey came over, and it was then that he realized Davey was sporting yet another erection. “Didn’t take care of that in the shower?” he mused weakly, pointing to it. Inside, he felt his stomach starting to flutter and sink again.

Davey lay down next to Nils and reached to turn out the light, leaving the bathroom light on so they wouldn’t trip if they needed to get up during the night. “No, I hoped you’d take care of it.” He gave him a feeble smile, voice dropping just above a whisper. “Unless you don’t feel like it.”

Instantly, dread settled in the pit of Nils’ stomach, the feeling like lead. Davey touched his arm and gave the back of his shoulder a gentle, slow kiss, and it made Nils feel like throwing up. “Well, I…” He trailed off, turning to look at Davey and see the way he gazed at him, only at him, his hand fondling his arm so affectionately. “Okay.” After what he’d put Davey through, it would be an asshole thing to do to say no, especially after making him wait so goddamn long.

“You feel up to it?” Davey asked, murmuring against his skin.

“Yeah,” Nils lied. “But only if it’s doggy style.”

Davey’s eyebrows rose, but he didn’t say anything about it, just shifted to where he was sitting up. Nervously, Nils watched as Davey commenced the routine, pulling down Nils’ sweatpants and briefs, then reaching into his travel bag for the lube and condoms. _At least_ , Nils thought to himself, _this won’t last long_.

The entire time Davey prepared him, he kissed his ass cheeks and the backs of his thighs, scraping his bottom teeth against the tender flesh there and trying to elicit some response. Nils had to admit it felt good when Davey mouthed at his balls and his perineum, but the second he felt his tongue on his asshole, he jerked away. “No—” he said before he could stop himself, too freaked out by the thought of someone’s tongue touching him there, no matter how recently he’d washed it.

“Sorry,” Davey whispered, rubbing the backs of his thighs. “I thought it might relax you—”

“It’s okay,” Nils said, propping himself up on his elbows and staring straight ahead at the headboard. “Just don’t do it again, please.” His heart was still racing from it, limbs shaking and hardly able to hold him up. _Damn it_ , why couldn't he just do what Davey wanted?

“Okay,” Davey agreed without hesitation or complaint, and again Nils felt bad. If only he had the courage to tell him he didn’t like any of this…

As he had so many times before now, Davey took his time preparing him. No matter how much Nils had enjoyed touching himself, he couldn’t hack it when someone else’s fingers were inside him. This time, he decided to experiment and tried to make it more bearable by reaching back and joining Davey’s fingers with his own. It only served to make him feel more awkward. And though he wasn’t really ready, he decided to tell Davey he was fine and to go ahead so they could get it over with.

Nils buried his face in the pillow and took a deep breath, preparing for the worst. Like always, Davey was gentle as he pushed in, but even though it didn’t really hurt anymore, Nils just didn’t like it. He bit down on his lower lip and tried not to feel violated as Davey started rocking against him, the sounds of skin slapping against skin filling the room. The disgust that rose from the pit of his stomach when he thought about Davey on him made him sick, and it slowly began to dawn on him that he just couldn’t do this anymore. Not when it destroyed him like this. Realizing he was going to lose Davey, he buried his face deeper into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears, clinging to that pillow with all his might. Behind him, Davey was getting into it, and he expected it to build faster and faster until he couldn’t take it anymore, but this time was different. He hadn’t realized how poorly he was hiding his misery until a hiccuped sob escaped him and Davey stopped.

“Did that hurt?” Davey asked, his voice in his ear. He sounded breathless, but the concern outweighed everything else.

Shaking his head, Nils murmured, “No—”

“Are you sure?” Davey replied slowly. “You sound upset.”

“I’m not fucking upset!” Nils couldn’t help but snap, curling away. “God, can’t you ever accept that?” He hadn’t meant to, but he looked up and the moment he saw Davey’s face fall, he knew he’d fucked up. _Shit_.

Carefully, Davey pulled out, taking his time so it wouldn’t hurt Nils. He was silent for a moment, his hand on Nils’ back while Nils sniffed and tried to get a hold of himself. After a moment, Davey plucked a tissue from the nearby tissue box and handed it to him. “Want to talk?”

“No,” Nils croaked, and that much was true. He sat up and accepted the tissue, wiping his eyes with it and sniffing again, feeling like the lowest shit of the world. Fantastic.

Davey sighed, and Nils saw him roll his eyes out of his peripheral vision. Fear clenched his stomach as he realized Davey’s patience was wearing thin. “I’m not trying to push you or anything, but you do realize you’ve been playing this game for months, right? Where you won't to talk to me?” He paused, looking straight at Nils, but Nils refused to meet his gaze, instead twisting the tissue in anxious hands and sniffing pathetically. “If you don’t like something, all you have to do is tell me no. It’s not that hard.”

“I’m fine—”

“Would you please stop saying that?” Disgusted, Davey turned his face away and shook his head before looking at Nils again. “You’ve been telling me constantly that you’re fine, but every time you say that, you pull away. These past couple of weeks, you’ve barely touched me at all. Is it really that bad?” He stared at Nils, waiting for an answer, but Nils still refused. “Just get it over with, okay? I’m not stupid—if you’re crying during sex, that has to mean it’s pretty fucking awful. That’s fine – you don’t like it – but what hurts my feelings is that you won’t _talk_ to me about it and then sulk and avoid me. That’s pretty unfair, don’t you think?”

Crumpling the tissue up, Nils threw it to the ground and something inside him _snapped_. All the pressure from months of holding it away inside, swallowing back the discomfort and the resentment and the secret that started it all built to the point he thought he’d explode. Before he even had the time to really think about it, he burst out, “Well, it’s pretty unfair of me to tell my boyfriend no, isn’t it? It’s pretty unfair and hurtful for me to say that I don’t like it and I don’t want to do it.”

“No, it’s not unfair!” Davey protested, frowning. “Who the fuck told you that? Who the fuck sat you down and said you couldn’t say no, that because we were in a relationship and you tried something and didn’t like it, that you had to keep doing it?”

“I don’t know, maybe _human nature_?” Nils snapped. Davey backed down and silence hung over them so heavily that it brought another wave of grief over Nils. Sniffing, vision blurring, he grabbed another tissue. “Goddammit, Davey, stop making me cry.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Davey replied calmly. “I’m just sitting here, looking at you. You’re the one making you cry.”

Angry, Nils blew his nose into the tissue and threw it away too. “Well, I’m not crying anymore. It’s stupid.”

“No, not really,” Davey replied, looking irritated. “Now what did you mean about human nature?”

“Do I really have to spell that out for you? I know you’re not dumb.” Glowering, Nils turned to face him, for once looking right into his eyes. “You love sex and variety. You love kissing and touching and fucking, and if I tell you I can’t stand for my ass to be touched or fucked, then you’ll say it’s okay but I know you’ll be so disappointed with me that eventually you’ll leave because you can’t stand it. It’s like if I told you I didn’t like swallowing, and then you’d say that I can’t possibly be into you and you’ll leave. You don’t understand, Davey. These are just things you _have to do_ to have a normal, healthy relationship.” By the end, he was all worked up again and he just wanted to go outside for a smoke, but he couldn’t because Davey’s aghast stare was telling him they weren’t through yet.

Great – here it came. Davey was going to tell him he was nuts, that he wasn’t really bi then, that he didn’t want him. And then he was going to leave. Nils was prepared for it, but _god_ it didn’t make it any easier. “Oh, Nils…” Davey sighed and scooted closer to him, though now he kept his hands to himself. His expression was torn, caught between empathy and frustration. “If you don’t want to swallow, you don’t have to swallow – I’m not going to be mad if you spit it out. It’d be stupid if I was.” He paused, searching Nils’ face, slowly running his tongue over his lower lip. “As for the rest, why didn’t you just say something? I thought you seemed uncomfortable, but every time I ask, you insist you're fine and want to try again. If you don’t want me to fuck you, that’s fine—”

“But you’ll just _leave_ because I don’t want you to fuck me and you could find anyone, boy or girl, who’d be happy to spread their legs for you. I was so, so afraid if I told you the truth and didn’t try again, you’d get fed up with me. And, besides, I was already wearing your patience thin. Because you’re just a man and you can’t help it, and you’d want sex and if I couldn’t give it to you, then you’d find someone else who could give you everything you wanted without complaining about it. You'd find someone who loves being submissive, but I hate being submissive. Don’t you understand?” Nils whined, clutching yet another tissue.

Frowning, Davey replied, “Okay, first of all, that assumes you don’t trust me. And that also assumes that I’m unable to control myself. Nils, I’m not an _animal_. I’m not going to die if I don’t get to put my dick in a hole. Besides, I love you – I’m not happy doing something that doesn’t make you feel good or something you don’t enjoy. I’m not going to make you do that. Nor am I going to leave you.” Here, his frown turned sterner. “But you have to talk to me – it’s not about how we do it, but the fact you haven’t been communicating with me.” Here, he sighed, running a hand through his sweat-ridden fringe, brushing it back. “The thing is, people who love each other work things out; it’s a give and take.”

“I know,” Nils said miserably, feeling his face grow hot. “I know this was all stupid. And I’m really, really sorry.” He started tearing off tiny bits of the tissue, feeling like throwing up again.

With a sigh, Davey put his hand on Nils’ back, rubbing it gently, comfortingly. “Apology accepted, but I mean it – you have to talk to me from now on and be honest.” He gave Nils a pointed look. “And if I think you’re not being honest with me, then I’m not going to go through with it, okay?”

“Okay,” Nils agreed meekly. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sure it made you feel really guilty. But you don’t have to feel like that anymore because I’m just an idiot.” He hung his head.

“Listen…” Davey touched his arm, giving it a squeeze. “I don’t think you’re an idiot. I think you just let society's expectations get to you. Honestly...” Here, he paused, sighing. “I did feel guilty because I didn't know what was wrong – just that you seemed very afraid... I'm sorry I didn't push more or back off.” He grimaced. “I don’t expect you to answer now, but I want you to be thinking about it – what do you want me to do? Do you want to have sex a different way? Do you not want to have sex at all? And before you say anything about me leaving again, I’ll tell you straight up – if you don’t want to have sex, that’s okay, I’m not going to leave you. I’ll give you time to think about it, but you need to tell me eventually.”

Looking embarrassed, Nils said, “I do want to have sex with you, but…I feel like an asshole wanting to fuck you and not wanting to do the same in return.”

“Some people are fine with that,” Davey said, lifting an eyebrow. “And I’d be fine with you topping me – I like being topped.”

“Really?” Nils stared at him in disbelief, blinking. Slowly, the shock receded and the tiniest hint of a smile played at the corners of his mouth. “That would be…nice. If you’re cool with that, I mean.”

“Certainly.” Davey leaned in to press a kiss to Nils’ forehead. “But if you find you’re not into that either…please tell me. We’ll try to work this out, but just understand if we’re not sexually compatible, we’re not sexually compatible. I won’t hold it against you.”

“I don’t want it to be like that,” Nils said, his face falling and the anxiety flooding back tenfold. The last thing he wanted was to find out that he and Davey loved each other and everything else was perfectly in place, except for that one detail. That one very important detail. The very thought had him breathing a little faster and his stomach aching in insecurity.

Seeming to realize he had said the wrong thing, Davey gave his cheek a kiss and quickly covered it up. “But we have plenty of time to work that out, and, hey, at least you enjoy my blowjobs.” He gave him a tiny smile, trying to mend the damage. “Don’t worry, my dear, I’m sure we’ll figure something out and I promise – I'm not going to leave you over this.”

Honestly, Nils didn’t know if he wanted to touch Davey like that for a long time, but he didn’t want to say that; however, he knew he had to be honest. Otherwise, he’d do more harm than good. “Okay, but I don’t know if I want to do it for a while.”

“That’s okay,” Davey told him, sliding one arm around his shoulders and giving him a squeeze. “Like I said, I’ll give you time to figure it out.”

“Thank you,” Nils said, giving his cheek a kiss and catching the corner of his mouth. “But…there’s one other thing.”

“Hm?” Davey pulled back and looked at him, and Nils found himself chewing his lower lip anxiously and trying to avoid Davey’s gaze as he tentatively proposed the next part.

“I…I think maybe I should go home.” Nils took a deep breath, twisting the comforter in his hands and feeling his palms growing sweaty. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Davey frowning slightly, and it was enough to make his heart start pounding. However, he had to remember his promise to Davey to tell the truth. “It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed being on tour with you or working with you guys – because I have and it’s been _awesome_ – but I think I need some room to breathe and to find a job on my own.” He peeked up at Davey, whose expression had smoothed over now that he’d started explaining it instead of running away. “I love you so much, but I think I need to be alone to recover and find myself. It’s not good to be around each other 24/7, especially when we have so much to think about, you know?”

There was a brief pause, and Davey seemed to be considering this, his eyes drifting to the corner in thought. Slowly, he nodded in agreement, and then his eyes found Nils’ again. “Understandable. I agree – spending too much time around someone you feel so passionately for can cause burn out...but that doesn't mean I won't miss you.” He gave Nils a smile anyway, and Nils felt like he could breathe again.

“I’m glad you understand. To be honest…” Here, he looked down at his hands again, still not feeling like he could look Davey in the eye when he bared himself to him. “I think it had something to do with how I was pushing you away earlier – not that that was all because it was mostly just worrying that you’d start coming onto me for sex, and me not wanting to do it.”

“Oh, Nils—” Davey sighed again, but Nils didn’t let him finish.

“No, I know it was stupid, but that’s why I’m telling you.” He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, insecure and embarrassed, but a strange sense of empowerment washing over him. “What I’m trying to say is… I think it’d help give us time, but not just that – it’d help kinda reset our relationship. Does that make sense?” He chewed his lower lip, finally looking up at Davey’s eyes.

Nodding, Davey said, “It does. So tomorrow morning, let’s sit down and find a flight for you. Be prepared to take complaints from Smith, but you know as much as I do that he’ll be more than happy to help us.”

A huge, relieved grin washed over Nils’ face, and he felt weak inside. “Thank you so much. I’m glad we talked.”

“Me too, and let’s make sure to do it more often. Now, give me a hug?” Davey reached out for him, offering to take him into his arms but he didn’t push him.

And Nils eagerly accepted it, wrapping his arms around Davey and pulling him close to his body, smiling as he felt Davey resting his chin on his shoulder. As awkward as he’d thought it’d be to have such a deep conversation with someone while completely naked and that other someone still erect, it actually hadn’t been so bad. Not at all. And it helped make him feel more inclined to Davey than he had earlier. Not only did he feel like the burden had been lifted from his chest, but he also felt like their relationship was stronger now. Maybe it would survive after all.


	5. 5: We've Got One More Shot to Make This Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Chapter Notes: I wanted to update this last week, but I haven't had Internet in a week. :L But it's back now, so here's the last chapter!
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

A long time passed and Nils slowly started to heal. He went home, and the distance definitely helped – especially now that his relationship with Davey was confined to conversations. There was something else about the distance that also helped – the lack of physical intimacy forced them to be more emotionally intimate, and though it wasn’t perfect, it helped Nils to talk to Davey on the phone and not have to look at him while he opened up. It happened gradually and without really thinking about it – Davey told him to take baby steps, to not overwhelm himself or think he needed to do it all at once. And so he didn’t – there was no pressure and it was absolutely wonderful, though it didn’t quiet the niggling voice in the back of his head which suggested maybe they weren’t good as anything more than _just friends_. But the thought of not having Davey in his life as a partner just tore his heart wide open, so he didn’t think that was it. In the meantime, he tried to distract himself by living his life; he went out with friends, he got a job outside of modeling gigs, and gradually he started to relax in his own skin.

The night that Davey arrived back in LA from the tour, he texted Nils and asked if he could come over. Nils was surprised; it was already dark and he’d thought Davey would probably be dead tired and just want to crash in his own bed. Still, it had been a while since he’d seen him, so he agreed to it – and then, figuring he was probably also starving from a long day of traveling with little vegan sustenance out on the road, he went to get take-out from one of their favorite local haunts.

He hadn’t been back long when his buzzer went off. He’d been in the middle of placing the take-out containers on the table when it happened, and it startled him so much he nearly dropped a glass. After steadying it, he went to the door and opened it, finding Davey on his doorstep looking haggard and exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and clothes rumpled, but he was smiling and that smile made him more beautiful than Nils had ever seen him before. Because his eyes were locked right on him and there was happiness sparkling in them and they lit up when he saw him. And Nils, too, felt overwhelmed, his throat tight and his body tingling and surging. Before he knew it, he was throwing himself into Davey’s arms, tempted to wrap all four limbs around him but resisting and just crushing him against his frame instead.

“Well, hello to you too,” Davey said with a laugh, accepting Nils’ hug and holding him just as hard.

“God, I’m so happy to see you,” Nils said, clutching Davey and breathing in his familiar scent, his smile hurting his face. He pressed Davey even closer, holding on so fast that his muscles hurt and their bones pressed together uncomfortably and he thought he couldn’t breathe, but he couldn’t stand to let go. “I missed you so much.”

“I can tell.” The warmth of Davey’s smile laced between his words, and Nils clutched the back of his jacket like he’d disappear if he didn’t. “And I missed you too, dear. So much.” He pressed a kiss to the side of Nils’ head, but Nils one-upped him and moved to take his face in his hands, crushing their lips together so hard it hurt. He tried to back Davey up against the door but forgot that it was still open, so they resulted in stumbling out of the door and into the corridor, both of them laughing and flushing at the mistake.

Pulling back just enough to look at Davey’s face, Nils told him, “You must be about to die. Why don’t you come inside and have something to eat? I got your favorite…” The last bit was said in a slight sing-song tone, tempting Davey with the promise of something warm and savory to fill his stomach with.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Davey said with a grin that showed his teeth, and he gladly followed Nils inside. This time, Nils remembered to shut the door. And once Davey got a view of the feast Nils had picked up for them, his eyes glazed over slightly. “You didn’t have to do this…”

“It was no trouble.” Nils waved it off. “You’re probably starving to death – and you deserve it.” He rested his hands on Davey’s shoulders and gave his cheek a kiss. “Just take it as a ‘welcome home’ gift.”

“You have no objections from me,” Davey said, amused, and he moved to take his jacket off, next kicking his shoes off and using his foot to slide them out of the way. “You even used the good china – fancy.”

Rolling his eyes, Nils took Davey’s jacket and put it on the back of a chair before he sat down, and Davey followed suit. “Only the best for you, Dave.” In reality, his ‘good china’ consisted of the only few plates he owned that weren’t chipped – a set of plain white square shaped ones his mother had gotten for him from Target once he’d moved out. To make up for it, he had poured their drinks in his wine glasses – wine for himself and water for Davey. He figured he’d appreciate the thought.

“You’re sweet,” Davey insisted, and Nils just smiled at him, reaching over to dish some food out of the containers onto Davey’s plate.

“Thanks, babe. Now eat up – I don’t want you to stop until you’re full. Don’t even think about carbs…or whatever you’re thinking about these days.” He winked at Davey, and Davey laughed.

“It’s sugar, Nils.”

“Whatever, just don’t think about it.”

In response, Davey just smiled and nodded, but he did as he was asked. He didn’t complain about his figure once during the meal or say that the tour had wrecked his physique – and Nils was glad he didn’t because he didn’t see what was wrong with Davey anyway. They ate until they were stuffed and only as Davey pulled a pained face and begged _‘no more’_ did Nils stop feeding him. That was when he boxed the remaining food up and put it in the refrigerator, and once he’d cleaned up and cleared the table, he joined Davey in the living room with their glasses, to sit on the couch and just relax. For a while, they just sat in silence and sipped their drinks – Davey on his water and Nils on his second glass of wine, feeling pleasantly warm and maybe even a little buzzed. He figured Davey was too tired to talk, but that was okay with him – he was just glad to be in his company and sitting here with him, lightly rubbing his foot against Davey’s where they sat curled up on opposite sides of the couch.

After a while, Davey shifted positions and stretched, drawing in a long breath. Nils glanced at the clock, lips ghosting the rim of his wine glass, figuring Davey was about ready to go home. It was ten now, and he was sure he had things to do. But Davey seemed to have other ideas. Reaching over, he gently took the glass from Nils, placing it on the white-wood IKEA coffee table along with his own.

“Tonight’s been wonderful,” he told Nils, scooting closer to him, close enough for Nils to feel the warmth of his body.

Melting against Davey’s side, Nils smiled and leaned his head back against his shoulder, grin upside down. “It has been. It’s so good to have you back.”

“Definitely. And not to be rude, but I don’t feel like getting up or going home,” Davey said with a slight laugh. “I’m too comfortable.”

“Then don’t – it’s not rude. We lived together for a couple of months while you were on tour,” Nils reminded him. “You can stay the night any time you want.”

“Thanks.” Davey grinned, and then he leaned in to kiss him, flinching slightly at the bitter flavor of wine on Nils’ stained lips. “Would you mind if we slept together, too?”

Nils knew he didn’t mean in a sexual sense, but it still made him think about what they’d talked about – and the fact he hadn’t given Davey an answer in months and months. Sure, Davey had been gone on tour, but they’d still been talking and he’d still had time to recover and think about it. That question floated to the surface of his mind again – the one that asked if maybe they weren’t good as boyfriends. Although he hated to ruin a good mood and a happy reunion with this concern, he also knew they had to talk about it sooner or later. He just hoped he wasn’t being inconsiderate.

“No, I wouldn’t mind,” he said slowly, moving to bury his mouth in Davey’s hair and give the side of his head a kiss. He closed his eyes, staying there and breathing in the scent of Davey’s shampoo, one hand resting on his chest and feeling the steady pulse of his heart beneath his fingertips. He was quiet for a moment before he decided he couldn’t really ignore it – they should talk about it. “Dave?”

“Hm?” Nils felt Davey tilt his head up to look at him, but he just pressed his forehead against the side of his head, not wanting to open his eyes.

“Um, do you think that maybe…” He stopped, deciding that wasn’t a tactful way to put it. Trying again, he said, “I mean, sometimes I worry we make amazing best friends, but what if we’re not good in _that_ way?” He bit his lip. “Not saying I don’t love you because I _do_ love you like that; I’m just thinking about us on, like, a…a sexual level.” A few beats passed, and then he dropped his voice to a whisper. “Sorry. I didn’t…God, I’m an idiot. I don’t want to ruin this moment or anything, but…”

He felt Davey turn in his arms, and then the warmth of Davey’s hand as it caressed his spine through the thin fabric of his T-shirt, the gesture comforting. The next moment he felt Davey’s lips lightly brush his jaw line, the feeling so feather light and genuine that it pulled a gasp from him. At his reaction, Davey slid his hand down to Nils’ lower back and spoke in low, murmured tones in his ear. “Well, I don’t know yet… Honestly, I think _something_ is there – we just haven’t found what it is yet.”

“If…if I asked you to try again, you’d be okay with that, right?”

“Of course… I’m waiting for you, my dear,” Davey reminded him.

“I just hate to think of this amazing chemistry we have, except when it comes to that,” Nils continued. “I know you’re cool with trying again, but what if this time isn’t good either? What do we do?”

“I wouldn’t think about it too much,” Davey replied without hesitation, and it was this that finally made Nils open his eyes and look at him, to find he was smiling weakly. “Sometimes, it’s best not to think about something too much but to try it. And if you don’t like it, you can choose to try again or not try again. To try the same thing or something different. Whatever it is, whatever you decide, I respect your wishes.”

“But what if we break up…?” Nils looked at him almost pleading, cringing at the sound of his own voice, which reminded him too much of a small child.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Davey assured him, though Nils thought he caught a glimpse of hurt flash through his eyes. “Yes, it would break my heart but I can promise you that no matter what, we’ll always be best friends and I’ll always love you in some way. Okay?”

It was almost a cold comfort but it was a comfort regardless, so Nils accepted it with a soft kiss on the lips and an _‘okay.’_ He felt terrible, like he had brought the mood down and even if it did help to bleed out his thoughts and his worries, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that he shouldn’t have shared that with Davey now. Maybe Davey was right. Maybe instead of thinking so much about it, they should’ve just let it develop naturally. Maybe they would’ve even slept together _like that_ and it would’ve been wonderful. But now he’d just destroyed any chance of that, hadn’t he?

He was probably three seconds away from having a nervous breakdown and reaching for his wine glass again when he felt Davey softly press him against the back cushions of the sofa, and his mouth descended on his neck. It came as a shock, the intensity and fervor of each slow kiss hitting him in the stomach like a thousand butterflies. Unable to breathe, he moved his hands up to Davey’s shoulders, letting him kiss over his pulse, his Adam’s apple, his collarbone and the tops of his shoulders. Each kiss was leaving him breathless, his entire body shaking as Davey pressed him harder against the cushions. And as Davey’s body pressed against his own, he could feel him shaking too.

As he looked down at him for an explanation, lips parted, Davey nudged his jaw line with his nose and whispered, “Nils, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t worry anymore.”

And in that moment, Nils let go. He let it all go – because Davey was right. If he thought about it anymore, he’d drive himself crazy. What ashamed him was the fact he’d been so obvious about it all – that Davey had seen through to the insecurity and the worry that’d been subtly eating away at him this whole time. That was when Nils realized the moment wasn’t ruined if they put it past them and carried on, turning it into something new. And that was the moment Nils decided – he wanted to try again.

It felt like he’d unleashed something inside himself, something he hadn’t realized he’d locked away as he’d tried to fit himself in the box he thought he belonged in. In the next moment, he felt like he would burst if he didn’t touch Davey, if he didn’t kiss Davey, if he didn’t press their bodies so close there was no room for anything anymore. No thoughts, no differences, no him, no Davey – just them. Shakily, he pushed Davey away and in the next second he had _him_ on his back, falling between his legs and into his arms clumsily. Davey let out a little grunt as Nils crashed on his chest, and when Nils looked down at him again, their noses and lips were nearly touching. He could feel Davey’s quick, shallow breaths on his face, could see that same desire for him burning in his eyes. And this time, he felt just as tongue-tied, just as breathless and shaky and needy as Davey looked lying beneath him. Something about now felt right so he closed the distance between them in a searing kiss, his back arching and pressing his body into Davey’s, feeling him jolt and react to the contact and he smothered his own moan in their kiss.

For several minutes, they worked their mouths together feverishly, hard and painful. Nils could feel Davey’s teeth scraping against his lips and the hint of stubble rubbing like sandpaper against his chin, their breaths noisy and stifled from the contact. Months of forced celibacy had gotten to him, he realized, because now his blood felt like it was on fire from Davey’s touch and he couldn’t bear it. He felt his cock coming to life as they kissed and kissed, and soon Davey was propping himself up on his elbows so he could push back against Nils more intensely, mouthing at him and nipping at him and bringing all sorts of embarrassing moans and hums from him. Beneath him, Nils could feel Davey getting hard – and his own pants were feeling tight too, tension building in his stomach.

Reaching up, Davey grabbed Nils’ chin with his hand, smashing their lips together even closer until they got to where they were meeting each others’ teeth. By now, Nils was so hard he was panting against Davey’s mouth, his hips rocking slightly against Davey’s and the friction from their jeans offering more arousal than relief. Unable to breathe anymore, he pulled back with a loud, sloppy sound, a string of saliva stretching between them and a line of drool dribbling down his chin. Laughing a little, he blushed and reached up to wipe it away – but Davey was faster and brushed it with his thumb.

“Still think we’re just friends?” Davey asked with a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

Adamant, Nils shook his head. “No.” Nils leaned down to give him another kiss, this one just missing his lips and getting him right on the chin. Chuckling, he said, “I can’t even see straight around you.” He pressed his hips into Davey’s, a strangled panting sound escaping him. “ _Ugh_ , I just want you so bad.”

“Then have me,” Davey told him, pressing his head back against the couch and lifting his lower back and hips to return the pressure. “Do whatever you want to me and don’t hold back. I’m at your mercy, my dear.”

Still shaking, Nils panted out, “Bedroom. Now.” Knowing that Davey would let him take control and take things in the way he wanted to take them, he felt more at ease. And he knew he could trust Davey – after all, Davey had waited for him. Davey had waited and he had abstained and he had trusted Nils. It meant everything to him.

As they got up, it was so quickly that they bumped the coffee table, nearly spilling wine onto the carpet. Davey murmured an apology but Nils didn’t care; he grabbed him by the front of the shirt and dragged him down the hallway, every muscle so tense it hurt. They made it to the bedroom and there Nils wasted no time in pushing Davey to the bed, instantly straddling his hips as he hit the mattress with a grunt. Groaning, Davey arched up against Nils, threading his fingers through his hair and swallowing back a whimper. And Nils didn’t feel like waiting; they’d already worked each other up enough in the living room.

Leaning in, Nils mashed their lips together again as he trailed his hand down Davey’s body, stopping at the hem of his jeans. All Davey did was kiss him back just as eagerly, his hands moving over Nils’ sides. But Nils noticed that he was letting him take charge, that he didn’t do anything that Nils hadn’t already initiated at this point. Grinning, he bit down on Davey’s lip ring and tugged at it, fumbling with the button of Davey’s jeans and then the zipper, trying to be careful so he wouldn’t snag Davey’s skin with the teeth of it. He slid his fingers down over the semi-shaved fluff of Davey’s stomach, moving lower into his pants until he was cupping his thick, hard cock in his palm. A long moan left Davey at the contact, and Nils had to grin as he felt a shiver ripple through his body. Panting again, he used his other hand to cradle the back of Davey’s head, pressing their lips even closer together and forcing his tongue in, sliding it up under the heat of Davey’s tongue until the tip hit his tongue web piercing. He used his tongue to play with it as he kissed Davey, slowly stroking his cock until he had the man a writhing mess under him and moaning pleas through their meshed mouths.

It was only when Davey started whimpering, his cock feeling painfully hard, that Nils released him to finish undressing. He started with Davey, sliding his pants down his thighs and legs, then taking each foot and pulling the cuffs over them. Once Davey’s pants were off, he pushed his shirt up, kissing a trail up his stomach and sides, licking patterns over his inked skin, up to his nipples and the nautical stars that adorned his collarbone. Now that he had Davey fully naked, he worked out of his own clothes, tearing his shirt over his head and tossing it to the side, and then working the buckle of his belt and the button of his jeans. Soon, he was naked as well, his cock pressed against his stomach and his eyes on Davey and only Davey, watching him lie halfway propped up in the dark.

“Are you really okay with what we talked about?” Nils asked as he reached into the drawer of his nightstand for the lube and condoms. “I mean, me topping?”

“Of course,” Davey said, eyes never leaving him. “It’s not my first time on my back for a man.” He gave him a warm smile that met his eyes, and Nils relaxed.

“It’s just funny to think of _you_ on your back for anyone,” Nils admitted. “You always seemed so…dominant.”

“Dominant?” Davey echoed, his eyebrow arching. And then he laughed, shaking his head. “I go both ways, Slin.”

“Good.” Nils gave him a relieved smile, and then crawled up between his legs, eyes flicking from Davey’s cock to his face. He couldn’t imagine how it felt good to him, but if he said it did, he’d take his word for it.

Popping the cap to the lube, he squeezed some in his palm and then coated his fingers with it. Like Davey had done with him, he hoped to be easy and thorough, not wanting to hurt him. He checked Davey’s face before he slowly started circling his asshole, massaging the outside of it gently. To his surprise, when he checked Davey’s face he saw his eyes had fallen shut and his lips had parted for his shallow breaths, a look of pure bliss tracing his features. So Nils continued to rub him, his thumb pressing against his perineum and the area right behind his balls. The massage seemed to have relaxed Davey, and it didn’t take much effort for Nils to work his first finger in.

Slowly, Nils started rubbing Davey much the same way Davey had done to him; he figured Davey wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t felt good to him. Sure enough, Davey pressed down on his finger and breathed out shakily, tilting his head back. Nils pushed his finger in deeper and started stroking him with the pad of his finger, until he accidentally found his prostate. When he rubbed against it, applying pressure on it, Davey bucked up, panting out Nils’ name. Biting down on his lower lip, Nils settled on his stomach and pushed his hips into the mattress, the pressure helping to alleviate his erection. He continued to rub that spot inside Davey, watching him unravel and go crazy, mesmerized by his reaction and the words that spilled fluidly from his lips – most of which included variations of his name along with _‘fuck me.’_ Slowly, he started to slide another finger in, feeling Davey’s muscles clench around him only for a moment before the pleasure kicked in. At first, he froze, but then he saw Davey reaching down to take his cock in his hand and start jerking himself, and Nils knew it was okay to continue.

It blew his mind how into it Davey got. The way he pressed down on his fingers, the heels of his feet digging into the comforter and the whimpers that came from his mouth, were all more intense than Nils had ever seen from him before. And then it hit him as Davey clawed at the covers, head falling to the side and entire upper body flushed – Davey was more of a bottom. There was no denying it; he’d never seen him this undone, and that was saying a lot. Carefully, experimentally, he added a third finger just for good measure, slowly sliding his fingers in and out of Davey’s body. By then, he was about to explode himself and he was worried Davey might bring himself to orgasm if they didn’t get on with it now, so he kissed the inside of his thigh and withdrew his fingers, reaching for Davey’s wrist to stop him from furiously jerking himself off.

“I’m gonna fuck you now – is that okay?”

“Yes, yes – please do,” Davey all but begged, and Nils felt the muscles in his arm tense in resistance to being held back.

With a slight smile, Nils reached for a condom, tearing the wrapper before he put it on. Just like Davey had done with him, he made sure to slick himself in lube to make it easier – and then knelt before Davey. He had to laugh at the eager way Davey spread his legs for him, propping his calves up on his shoulders.

“What can I say?” Davey said with a laugh himself. “I’m a slut for you.”

Nils just gave him a smile, leaning in to kiss his nose, and then he pressed up against Davey’s ass. Not wanting to make either of them wait any longer, he guided himself into Davey – and was surprised that it wasn’t very hard to push in, unlike the trouble Davey had had with him. And the second he felt Davey’s tight heat surrounding him, he felt a surge of pleasure so strong that he could barely hold himself up, a soft moan leaving him as he all but collapsed on top of Davey.

For a few seconds, Davey just wrapped his arms around him and held him, letting them both adjust to the feeling. Nils could feel Davey breathing just as hard as he was, his body trembling and the beginnings of sweat causing their skin to adhere together. He couldn’t move for a brief moment, just shaking and jolting at the surges of pleasure that were running warmly through him. And then Davey pressed down on his cock and rocked his hips, wrapping his legs around his neck. That was what woke Nils up again and he pushed Davey against the mattress, beginning to slide in and out of his body. He held himself up on his arms, shaking and barely able to do so. And Davey moved with him, rolling his hips in time with Nils’ movements, making each thrust that much deeper and more pleasurable.

Opening his eyes part of the way, Davey leaned in to kiss Nils, who eagerly returned it. They mouthed at each other, sloppy and desperate, as they picked up the pace. Pulling Davey closer, Nils let him rub the underside of his cock over his stomach, shuddering at the feeling. And although their position was uncomfortable to his frame, the fact that they were having sex and it felt _good_ overpowered any other discomfort and tension he felt.

Soon, Nils just wasn’t thinking anymore. He was gritting his teeth and rocking against Davey fast enough for their skin to slap together, the sound filling the room. And Davey was just as desperate for it, pushing down on Nils’ cock and yelping and moaning whenever Nils hit him just right and nailed his prostate. It was a good thing they’d both worked Davey up pretty far because Nils wasn’t going to last long; already, he could feel the tightness and the heat of his orgasm building up in his stomach, and it was making him fuck Davey hard, biting down into his shoulder deeply enough to leave marks. Neither of them cared, too involved in the moment and the heat and the stifled breaths they shared as they fucked desperately on the bed, the springs creaking loudly in the small space.

When Davey started panting and saying Nils’ name like a mantra, staccato and out of breath, Nils knew he was about to come. He pulled Davey’s legs higher up his shoulders, pressing their bodies together tightly and rocking into him much harder. Changing their position slightly, he straightened up and knelt before Davey, watching his cock and balls bounce with each thrust, his body rippling from the force of it all. He could only grip Davey’s ankles, nails digging into the skin there and teeth locked. One of Davey’s hands fluttered to Nils’ hip, urging him closer, while the other went straight for his cock. Nils watched with a dry mouth as Davey put on a show for him, jerking himself and rubbing and playing with the head, brushing his thumb back and forth over the slit and the piercing there. Nils felt something inside him snap, and he gasped sharply as it hit him all at once. He came hard while fucking Davey furiously, curses flying from his lips.

He was so caught up in his own orgasm, he didn’t notice when Davey came. The whole time he rode it out, he just doubled over Davey and kissed his shoulder and neck, humping him like crazy. Only when he finally started to come down and had collapsed on top of Davey, breathing heavily, did he feel the wetness of Davey’s cum between them, and the satisfied smile on Davey’s lips said it all. Turning his head, Davey wrapped his arm around Nils’ head and brought him in for a kiss – and Nils’ lips met his teeth.

“You actually came,” Nils said, surprised.

“I told you I liked it.” Davey smiled at him, brushing a hand up and down his back. “That was just…such a release, and I needed that. Thank you.”

Chuckling, Nils kissed the corner of his mouth, hair falling in Davey’s face and tickling it so his nose twitched. “No, I should be thanking you…” He breathed out shakily, relieved, and then moved to slide out of Davey, his hand instinctively going Davey’s ass, where their bodies had connected moments before. “I was so, so frustrated when I couldn’t come with you, and now…I’m just relieved it worked this time.”

“I didn’t doubt it for a second since we agreed to change positions,” Davey told him, tilting his chin up to kiss Nils again. Their lips met several times, breathless and passionate, before they parted. Briefly, they were silent as Davey reclined against the pillow, staring up at Nils with a nearly black gaze. “I love you,” he finally whispered, breaking the silence, reaching up to touch Nils’ cheek. He brushed a strand of hair from his face with a fond smile. “And I think I always will.”

Heart beating faster again, Nils moved to cradle Davey’s head in his arms, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you too,” he told Davey. And then they kissed, and Nils felt like he was sinking into Davey, like this was meant to be. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had a feeling that Davey was actually the one.


End file.
